I made this myself. :D
Coming out stories seem to be very popular, especially amongst those who are looking to come out to friends and family or those who are having difficult times understanding their lifestyle or coping with what they believe to be wrong. I usually do not share my coming out story with people because it was very emotional for me, it took me years to figure out exactly what I wanted, to be truly happy. I am hoping that people who are in this position get inspired to believe in themselves, realize that it is ok to be gay, and work to become themselves and be who they are truly meant to be.
I just wrote over 2,000 words as my coming out story….but to be honest, why do you need so many details. I am going to try to summarize as much as possible, you will get the full effect. Full emotional scale. Full everything. Enjoy.
I started out life as your typical straight male. I played in dirt, I got dirty, I worked with my dad on odd jobs, landscaping, plowing, etc, etc. I never thought about being gay, however, I did have a few gay experiences I guess you could say, with close friends. I summed that all up to just being curious…but as I got older I suppose that curiosity amplified. One example of that is when spending time with a best friend, he would do things that were gay. Anyone and everyone would say what he was doing was gay, but when you don’t know what you are or who you are, you just stay safe. I stayed straight. I pushed him away whenever he would do those things, but in my mind I loved it, I wanted more, but wouldn’t allow him to give me more and I never gave him any more. There is so much he did to fit into this, but lets just say it took everything I had to not make it a “hard” situation sometimes. Basically, he would try to cuddle, try to kiss, try to hump me, chased me down with a boner, and more….so much more. We never “did” anything with each other, it was more like a serious of failed events that I wish didn’t fail…I’m not sure how he thought.
After a while him and I moved apart just like we do with a lot of our friends. My curiosities didn’t move apart from me though. I moved to playgirl magazines that I found in my basement, quenching some of my curiosities. Why do I like guys? I don’t, I’m must curious and it is completely normal to be curious. I’m straight. That was my mind-set for the longest time. Once playgirl didn’t quench my curiosities I moved on to the wonderful world-wide web. Gay porn and the online “closeted” gay community. I spent some time talking to guys about being gay, gay experiences, and all that. I even stooped to a level to webcam with a guy. Looking back now it just makes me laugh at how immature I was.
The more I tried to quench my curiosities, the more angry I got with myself. I CANNOT BE GAY! EVERYONE IS GOING TO HATE ME! Those and other hateful thoughts ran through my head. How can I be gay? Why me? What is wrong with me? I would cry for hours, cry myself to sleep sometimes. I separated myself away from my family and stooped into a depression that I hope to never get into ever again. I was angry at myself and in turn angry at everything else. I fought with family, I broke things, I punched things….I hated myself. I eventually went to the darkest part of my mind and contemplated suicide.
Suicide isn’t the answer to anything. I never attempted suicide, but I did think about it and how I would do it. Even writing this out right now sends weird feelings through my body, a scared-nervous feeling, and I can feel tears building up in my eyes. I’m not a mean or angry person, it takes a lot to get me to yell at you, be angry with you, or become dark. When I get that angry, my vision becomes tunneled and I end up doing things I wish I didn’t. Most times I don’t even remember, luckily I have never hurt anyone or destroyed my life or anyone else’s. I have only broken things…punched some walls, hurt my hand…
If you’re at the point where you are contemplating suicide…STOP. It may seem like that is the easiest way, but why give up? If you give up LIFE has just won…are you not a fighter? Fight back, kick life right in the balls and say I’M STAYING, I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE! Getting over that will give you the strength you need to figure yourself out, I wouldn’t say that if it wasn’t true. If you need someone to talk to and you can’t find anyone please, please PLEASE talk to me. I have talked to many people and those people come back to me and tell me how much I helped them change their lives. Comment below OR email me at firstname.lastname@example.org I WILL REPLY.
After this, I received a FB message – my ex – and started being gay – in the flesh. I was the happiest person because I really found what felt comfortable. I’ve done things with girls, but guys were just so much better and when I realized that, I knew I had to be gay. BUT! I still thought of myself as Bisexual because I thought holding on to some type of “straight” profiling made me better than being gay. I fought myself continually, anytime anyone would say I was gay I would fight back and say I’m Bisexual. It is really tough to find yourself and I would still continue to fight myself for 2 years.
2 years later I started to trust my gay side, leaned more towards being gay not bisexual…because I was in a relationship, why would I be bisexual, it’s not like I’m available to date anyone…I’m dating a dude, so I’m gay right? Fast forward 2 more years, I break up with my ex…and then my thoughts go back. I start talking to my ex-girlfriend again, I start talking to other girls, and I start to question whether or not I am really gay. Why is this happening to me again, I just spent almost 4 years with a dude………..
Well, I did my fun – met other guys, one night stands and I hated it. I am a super picky dude…took me ever to find someone to do anything with and most times when I did..I was like never mind. I dated a few guys, tried dating a girl, but couldn’t bring myself to do anything with her. That is when it hit me. I am a strong independent black woman who needs no man! No, in all seriousness, I just realized that I was a homo…in and out.
Today I am gay. I am proud to be gay. I hate the gay flag though, I think it could have been a lot better, maybe with like a falcon soaring through the sky with, maybe with a gay flag in his talons. We are fierce…I guess. I have a boyfriend whom I love and I can’t wait to share a future with him. I came out to my family easily, told them I was gay, they were OK with it. My retard father told me it was hard for him to comprehend….I could care less about what he thinks honestly, he’s a bitch. My mom, loves it. My uncle is gay, my cousin is gay. My friends are awesome with it, I made tons of new friends with it. Most people though think I am kidding, I am not a “visual/audible” gay. Meaning you can’t look at me and think I’m gay and my voice isn’t gay. Most guys have a tell, a gay side, but I guess my gay side is just liking dudes….I’m pretty manly and I’m not just saying that to make myself sound butch. If you met me you’d know. I still have some heart dropping moments like when I became facebook official with my babe – super hard, I was scared what everyone on facebook would think. Plus! I am friends with co-workers on facebook, what would they think? I hit that confirm button when he added us in a relationship though. I felt a huge relief. So many people liked it, so many people commented on it and nothing in my life changed….other than the fact that I grew even more comfortable with myself. With my ex I never did anything in public with him, with C I held his hand in public, kissed him, hugged him, held him….everything. Well, haha, not everything, I think that’s illegal. So, coming out….a work in progress is true. I feel like I am 98% out – I just need to not hesitate so much in public. Once that happens I will be 100% gay.
“I wanted to tell you that I’m gay…been keeping it a secret for a long time, but I am ready to tell people.”
“Josh, you’re an asshole! People really have a hard time with coming out and being gay and you’re sitting here making fun of it!”
“…but…really! I am gay, I like guys!”
That was a simplified version of my gayness – if you have any questions I am more than willing to answer them. Email me or comment below I am always open for a conversation. I also have KIK – JoshR392 – I always have my phone with me, if you need advice or help of any kind, please just ask.
Just remember, nothing is ever too hard to get through. Life is a test. I am not sure why we are being tested, but if you get through these tests you will be, I guarantee you will, be a better person, stronger person, and you will be set for life.